Stress Management
in Recovery
By:
Charles N. Roper, PhD, LCDC
The Fantasy: Get
sober, and everything will fall neatly into place.
The Reality: Get sober, and watch your stress level explode.
One of the many paradoxes
surrounding recovery is that it can bring out the best and
the worst in alcoholics and addicts. This is especially true of
those who operate under stressful conditions.
Before slipping into
recovery, alcoholics and addicts had a sure-fire antidote for
stress: Get high. Stressed out? Open a cold beer or pour a stiff
drink. Had a hard day? Roll up a joint. Feel beat? Lay out a
couple of lines. These solutions didn’t work in the long run, of
course, but they sure did offer temporary relief. In other words,
they worked.
Then along comes recovery, and
"poof"—the temporary relief is gone. What now? The
answer is stress management.
Stress management is not the same
thing as stress relief. Stress management is a long-term solution
to millions of short-term problems. A true stress management
"program" focuses more on internal sources of stress
(the ones we create for ourselves in our own heads) than it does
external sources (the ones we see around us and blame for the way
we feel).
In order to understand the true
nature of stress and stress management, it helps to conceptualize
the issue in terms of 1) The Problem, and 2) The
Solution, as follows:
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The
Problem
There
are two primary sources of stress—external sources
& internal sources.
External Sources of
Stress:
Money
Relationships
Work
Traffic
Change of any kind
Internal Sources of
Stress:
Beliefs
Attitudes
Internal dialogue (self-talk)
Old "tapes"
Thinking style
Problem solving style
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The
Solution
There are two primary
methods of dealing with stress—stress reduction &
stress management.
Stress Reduction
Techniques:
Reducing External Sources of Stress
Relaxation exercises
Physical exercise
Watching TV
Listening to music
Stress Management:
Confronting Internal Sources of Stress
Living in present moment
Healthy diet
Regular exercise
Daily spiritual practice
Balanced lifestyle
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The traditional approach
to dealing with stress is to blame the external sources of
stress for the way we feel and then to rely on stress
reduction techniques to deal with them. That approach never
has and never will work.
Effective stress management
requires two basic things:
- Alter our lifestyles to
accommodate healthy daily practice.
- Go inside of our own heads and
confront and change our dysfunctional thinking.
The first task is by far the
simplest. It follows common sense. Regular exercise, healthy diet,
plenty of rest and sleep, putting first things first, etc. will
prepare us to handle the circumstances of our lives with more
efficiency and energy.
The second task presents the real
challenge. This is especially true for alcoholics and addicts,
whether in recovery or not. Alcoholics and addicts are notorious
for narrow, close-minded, self-centered, self-righteous thinking.
Nevertheless, there are solutions, and they do work.
When I started studying Zen
Buddhism some years ago, one of my teachers told me that the first
thing I needed to do was to acknowledge and accept the fact that
everything I knew "for a fact" was incorrect. He said
that I could take a shortcut through the spiritual learning
process if I would just discard everything I knew "for a
fact" and start over with a fresh, uncluttered mind.
When I resisted his assessment of
my knowledge base, he challenged me thusly: "Carefully
consider the source of your information." At that point I had
to really stop and think about where and from whom I had learned
my beliefs, opinions, and attitudes. The sources were less than
reliable. They included my alcoholic parents, the public school
system, a judgmental southern protestant church, my alcohol and
drug abusing friends, television programs, and so on.
By the time we reach adulthood,
our heads are filled with what Albert Ellis, a noted psychologist
and researcher, calls "common upsetting beliefs." And
these common upsetting beliefs have everything to do with
stress and stress management. Indeed, they are at the heart of the
matter.
The following list of statements
suggests some of the beliefs that most people carry around in
their heads, at least in some form or another:
- "I should be competent in
most or all respects."
- "Some people are bad and
deserve to be punished."
- "Events in my life should
always go the way I want them to."
- "Events, circumstances,
and other people are what cause my upset feelings."
- "People should mind their
own business and leave me alone."
- "I have a right to worry
and feel upset about dangerous and unjust situations."
- "It is easier to avoid
difficulties and responsibilities than to face them."
- "My early childhood
experiences control my feelings and behavior as an
adult."
- "I have a right to feel
upset over my problems or over other people’s stupid
behavior."
- "There is an absolute
right and wrong concerning every situation."
- "The world should be
fair, and in the end, justice must prevail."
- "There are some things
that I know for absolute certain are true."
- "Some people should be
different than the way they are."
- "I have the right to seek
revenge on people who hurt me."
Many of the situations that we
encounter on a day to day basis threaten our attitudes and
beliefs. When this happens, we typically react defensively and/or
angrily and/or fearfully. Hence, upset feelings and stress.
Does the following
attitude/belief sound familiar? "That idiot cut me off on the
highway. He’s stupid and wrong. He’s dangerous; he scared me,
and he could have hurt me. I have a right to feel upset and angry.
If I ever see him again, I’m going to give him a piece of my
mind." The idea here is that in reality, the driver did not
cause me to feel upset. My thinking did.
This conceptualization of
internally generated stress makes even more sense when considered
in terms of "negative self-talk." We almost continually
"talk" to ourselves, whether we are consciously aware of
it or not. A lot—perhaps most—of that talk has a negative
twist to it and represents some variation of the common upsetting
beliefs listed above.
Consider the following list of
negative messages and possible positive counterparts.
|
Negative
Self-Talk Messages
|
Positive
Self-Talk Messages
|
| "I’m
such an idiot; I can’t believe I’m so stupid." |
"Oops.
I made a mistake; I’ll be more conscientious next
time." |
| "He’s
such an idiot; I can’t believe he’s so stupid." |
"He
made a mistake; we all make mistakes, even me." |
| "I
hate her. She hurt me, and she’ll be sorry some
day." |
"I
feel hurt. I wonder why I’m taking her attitude and
her behavior so personally." |
| "This
is terrible! This is horrible! I can’t stand this!
This is killing me!" |
"I
must be taking this situation too seriously. It’s
obviously not the end of the world." |
| "He’s
rotten to the core. He deserves to burn in hell." |
"I
don’t like or agree with his behavior, but it’s not
my place to judge him." |
| "I
should be able to handle this; other people can." |
"I’m
doing the best I can with who I am today, and that’s
okay." |
| "He
makes me so damn mad!" |
"I
don’t have to give him the power over me to make me
feel angry." |
| "He’s
never there when I need him; I just can’t trust
him." |
"I
am responsible for myself and my own feelings. I can
choose to rely for support on people who can be there
for me." |
| "I
can’t believe this is happening to me!" |
"I
wonder; how could this situation turn out to be in my
best interest?" |
| "My
upbringing prevents me from loving or trusting other
people." |
"My
childhood has interfered with my willingness to trust. I
will learn to trust as an adult." |
| "I
just can’t stand the way some people act." |
"I
am responsible for my own behavior—and no one
else’s." |
| "Oh
great! She’s mad; what did I do now?" |
"She
must be having a bad day. Maybe I can help, or maybe I
can just let her have a bad day." |
| "Life’s
a bitch, and then you die." |
"I
will experience whatever quality of life I decide to
have." |
| "She’s
wrong, and I’m right. I know I’m right. I’d bet my
life on it." |
"She
has her opinion and beliefs, and I have mine. She
believes hers, and I believe mine." |
The most powerful stress
management tool in the world has nothing to do with eliminating
stressful situations from our lives. It doesn’t even have
anything to do with other people "acting right" or
"doing things my way." Indeed, when stress levels are
considered within the framework of "stressful thinking,"
it becomes apparent that there is no such thing as an inherently
stressful situation. There is only stressful thinking, and
stressful thinking is a by-product of our attitudes, opinions, and
beliefs. To manage stress, then, we monitor our self-talk and
alter its content.
Of course, learning to
consciously listen to and confront our common upsetting attitudes
and beliefs and our negative self-talk takes practice. One
extremely helpful tool is to carry with us at all times one or
more questions that we ask ourselves whenever we feel upset,
angry, and stressed out.
Examples of good questions
include the following:
- "What am I telling myself
about this situation that is causing me to feel this
way?"
- "What are my negative
thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs about this situation?"
- "What are my
(unreasonable) expectations about this person or this
situation?"
- "What are my
(unreasonable) expectations about myself in this
situation?"
- "How am I taking this
situation too personally?"
- "How am I taking this
situation too seriously?"
- "How could this situation
possibly turn out to be in my best interest?"
- "How am I judging myself
or someone else?"
- "How important it
this—really?"
At it’s best, the process works
as follows:
- I encounter a situation.
- I feel stressed out (angry,
afraid, etc).
- I accept responsibility for
those feelings.
- I ask myself the intervening
question.
- I answer the question
honestly.
- I shed the stress.
Ah, yes…if only it were so
easy. Obviously, it’s not. But it is that simple.
The bottom line is that we are
responsible for the way we feel. We are responsible for whether or
not we feel stressed out. We have the power to choose serenity
over stress.
The question is, "Am I
willing to walk the walk?"
Please email your
comments or questions regarding this article to: croper1(at)austin.rr.com
(not a direct link in order to avoid address being picked up robotically for
spam).
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