Understanding
& Moving Through Denial
By:
Charles N. Roper, PhD, LCDC
Just about anytime we
approach the subject of denial regarding alcoholics’ and
addicts’ substance abuse, they become defensive. One reason for
that is because they mistakenly associate the word denial
with the word lying. This is unfortunate, because denial
and lying are two very different things.
Lying is something that a
person does consciously—something that he or she is aware of on a
conscious level. People know when they're lying. They may
not be able to control their lying, but they are aware of it.
Denial, on the other hand,
occurs on a level below consciousness—on a subconscious or
unconscious level. It is a psychological process that acts to block
out reality—that is, to block out conscious awareness within the
individual of something that feels threatening to that individual.
People honestly do not know when they are "in denial."
It’s not that denial is invisible. It isn’t. We can often see
denial as it occurs in other people; we just can't see it in
ourselves.
In terms of problems
associated with alcohol and drug abuse—be it our own or that of
someone who is close to us—denial manifests in one or more ways.
These include the following:
- Failure to see that a problem
exists at all (total blindness).
- Failure to recognize the extent
or severity of the problem (partial blindness).
- Failure to see the connection
between the substance abuse and the problems that it
precipitates (an astigmatism).
- Failure to understand that one
needs help dealing with the problem (false pride).
Denial is so common among
individuals who have become addicted to alcohol and other drugs that
addiction has been referred to as the disease of denial.
Indeed, people in recovery from substance abuse are typically
surprised at the depth of their denial as it unfolds before them
during the recovery process.
Denial can be the fatal aspect of
addiction. This is true because it leaves the alcoholic/addict
vulnerable to taking greater risks for longer periods of time. It
impairs judgment and results in self-delusion, preventing the addict
from seeing and understanding the implications and consequences of
his or her behavior until it is too late. An example is the person
who honestly believes that he or she can drive just as effectively
under the influence of alcohol or drugs as he/she can sober and
straight. Even documented evidence to the contrary won't persuade
the individual differently.
Psychological
defenses—which every living person has many of—work to keep
denial active. Some of the defenses that act to keep denial alive
and well are the following:
Rationalizing
Intellectualizing
Minimizing
Analyzing
Justifying
Theorizing
Explaining
Generalizing
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Withdrawing
Silence
Defiance
Blaming
Arguing
Projecting
Looking away
Yawning
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Bargaining
Comparing
Agreeing
Joking
Smiling & Laughing
Changing the subject
Glaring & Staring
Shouting & Intimidating
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There are more, of course.
Indeed, there are many more. These are just some of the most
prevalent.
Substance abuse is not the
only area of people’s lives in which denial finds a life. The
denial defense is one that people utilize in many different areas of
their lives. In fact, people can develop and maintain denial in any
circumstance or situation in which they feel threatened or afraid.
Examples include the following:
- A battered spouse fails to
recognize the extent of the abuse until it results in severe
consequences.
- An individual fails to see the
depth of the dysfunction in his or her primary relationship
until the partner says that he/she wants to end it.
- An individual fails to
acknowledge the decline in his or her physical health until
he/she falls very ill.
Movement through denial is tricky
business. It requires traits that well-defended people have few
of—traits such as willingness and open-mindedness. Sometimes it
requires trusting relationships with other people who are willing to
confront the individual honestly and openly. It always takes
humility—the ability to see and accept the truth about oneself.
The place to start moving
through denial is with the simple understanding that we have it to
start with. That understanding is easier once we know that it’s
not just us, but rather, denial is a universal quality among humans.
"Everyone, including me, has denial. Everyone, including me,
has his blind spots."
The next step is to
consciously and repeatedly remind ourselves to consider the opinions
of others with an open mind. Some people find it helpful to keep a
few simple, internal questions or statements handy at all times.
Examples of such statements include the following:
- "What part of what he/she
just said could be true?"
- "If I feel this defensive,
I must be hearing something that’s threatening to me. What
could it be?"
- "What does he/she see about
me that I cannot see about myself?"
- "Could I possibly be
kidding myself about that?"
The next step is to talk openly
about the answers to those questions. We can answer our internal
questions internally first, but to experience the full benefit of
the process, we need to open our mouths and talk about the answers
out loud with another person. That's when denial loses its power
over us and consequently, healing occurs. The only requirement is
honesty.
We will never be completely
free of denial. After all, it is a major part of people’s
defense systems. The goal, then, should be to move through it bit by
bit—honestly and systematically—and to be open to accepting help
with that process. For alcoholics and addicts, the process typically
does not happen automatically or magically, even after the drinking
and drug use stops. Like other aspects of recovery, movement through
denial takes time, patience, and willingness.
Please email your comments or
questions regarding this article to: croper1(at)austin.rr.com
(not a direct link in order to avoid address being picked up
robotically for spam).
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